Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize