i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
