guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
