My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
