Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
