So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
