Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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