I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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