I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
