honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
