omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
