they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
