dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
