My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
