I need help removing her.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
