I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
