i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
