i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
