Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so let's talk penis.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
