i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize