Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I puked a lego.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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