i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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