some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
