my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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