I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
