Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
