Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
