if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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