you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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