I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
