it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
