You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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