was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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