I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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