plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
