i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
