Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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