i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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