matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
