is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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