it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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