we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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