we're blogging at a bar
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
