dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
His nipple licking is glorious
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