I'm jealous of your bromance
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
