Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
whose parrot is this?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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