Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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