I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
