I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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