I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
