the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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