I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
