I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
love makes seman taste better
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
