Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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