he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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