we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize