He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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