I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
