you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
