I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
