I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
