i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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