Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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